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 Amber's legend

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salamandre

salamandre


Nombre de messages : 121
Age : 32
Localisation : on the other side of the milkyway
Date d'inscription : 24/10/2006

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MessageSujet: Amber's legend   Amber's legend EmptyVen 15 Déc - 19:14

Alors je sais pas si j'ai le droit mais si c'est pas le cas un gentil modo se fera le plaisir de le supprimer...
C'est un conte que j'ai écrit pour le cours d'anglais, je voulais donc savoir si je peut le poster...

ceux qui comprennent, je veut vos avis !


Once upon a time, on the other side of the milkyway, in a far away kingdom, a king was making war on another king. One day, the king, called Kyle lllrd, decided to fight with his army.
The other king had a big army, and he killed lots of Kyle’s soldiers, and all his officers. The army was desorganized.
A giant swordsman arrived and cut the king’s right arm. Kyle lllrd cried. He decided to stay in his fortress.
After the battle, the king became sad, and cruel.

« -Minister ! I want to kill all humans who are taller than me ! And I want to cut all people’s right arms !
-Are you sure, Mylord ?
-I had never been most serious in my life !! »

Not far from the palace, a young girl was fishing with her brother.
Suddenly, a voice spread from nowhere. It said :
« Order from the king ! All the subjects of the town must go in font of the palace ! Order from the king ! »
The children stood up. The girl asked her brother.
« -Selden, help me please.
-Of course, Amber » And he stretched his arm to his young sister.
« -Why me, Selden ? Why am I disabled ? Why do I have just one arm ? And why not you ?
-I don’t know, little sister. I am sorry »
The children ran towards the fortress, hand in hand.
They arrived near the palace. Kyle lllrd, their king, was at the top of a platform. He had a large bandage on his right shoulder, and he had not got his swordarm anymore, but just an awful and bloody stump !
Everybody was shocked, but Amber’s face split in a large smile.
« -Now he is like me ! He has not got his right arm ! »
But the king was angry. He howled :
« -I am your king ! Next week, everybody will be like me. Next week, everybody will only have the left arm. And if you are taller than me, I will hang your head in font of my bed ! »
Amber and her brother were stunned. They left the palace as quickly as possible. They stopped near the beach.
« -I hope that the king would not cut my arm.
-dream on, Selden. Gods ! You are taller than him ! I think he will cut… Your head !
-Oh Amber ! But… I want to stay alive !
-Of course. Stop Selden. Quiet. Listen to me. I have an idea. But… I need some help. We will steal a vessel, and we will go in a secret Island.
-That is great ! I hope that lots of my friends will go away with us !
-I hope… Let’s meet here tomorrow morning. »

The next day, Amber arrived the first on the beach, with her best friend, the only person who wanted to try and make the journey. One minute later, Selden appeared with 3 lads.
« -Hey Amber ! They agree to try and make our trip ! come on !
-That is wonderful ! And my friend works in the harbour. It will be easier to steal a vessel. »
The children walked towards the harbour. The sailors were not still awoken. Very quietly, the yougsters approached the bank.
Suddenly, they jumped on a galley, took the oars and went away. The children sailed during an hour, and they hoisted up the sails.
At midday, Selden, who was at the top of the mast, cried :
« -Earth ! »
The band landed.
« -And now, what are we doing, sister ? »
Amber was quiet.
«- We have to save our town, our kingdom, and to kill Kyle lllrd, the mad king !
-Yeah !
-Listen to me ! howled Amber. We have to train with swords. Selden, give me your knife, please. »
The young girl cut six sticks of wood. And the youngsters started their training.
At twilight, the were good. Selden decided to make bows and wood swords for the next day.
They slept under the stars, in the morning, they stood up very happy and very exited.
« -Wake up ! cried Amber, who was now the leader. We must attack the palace tonight !!
-Why ? asked her brother.
-Kyle will start cutting arms today. Tomorrow, he will cut heads !
-That is right ! we will kill Kyle tonight ! »
After a short training, they prepared their material : Selden used tomatoes and bandages to belive that his sister had cut her arm. They travelled all the day and arrived on the beach at twilight.
The band left discreetly the beach and ran towards the citadel.
Selden used his bow and killed a guard. Amber took the guard’s weapons : a large sword and two daggers. She gave her friends the daggers, and she sheathed the sword. She was the best, and she was left-handed.
« -Follow me ! »
They entered into the castle. Selden saw a servant, and asked him.
« -Can we see the king, sir ?
-It is not possible, boy. Who are you ?
-I am Selden, sir. And she is my sister.
-And why do you need to see Kyle lllrd ?
-I want to speak with him, » replied Amber.
The man headed them towards the king’s office.
Selden and Amber waited in a marvellous room.
Kyle lllrd arrived 3 minutes later.
« -King, I have to make a deal with you !
-What sorts of deal, tiny kid ? »
Kyle was laughing. But Amber was unruffled. She gave him a cool and mirthless smile.
« -I want to fight against you. The looser will perish and the winner will be the King, or the Queen.
-I am for it, little fool. »
The king was sure to win.
Amber’s blade caressed the king’s chest. Kyle moved back. He was disapointed. The fighters fought back in guard.
Kyle attacked her. She parried him. Amber stroke the king’s legs, who was unbalanced.
Selden strike him. Kyle lllrd felt down. He was scared.
Selden was laughing :
« -Hey Kyle ! Do you remember ? My sister is a tiny kid and a little fool… But she is the queen ! Long life to the queen Amber ! »
Amber smiled to Kyle.
« -I am not nasty, is not it ? If i were cruel, like you, I would have cut your fingers one by one, and your legs…
But I am not nasty ! You have already lost an arm…
I will hang you tomorrow, and the story will stop here ! »

But for you, raeder, the story is not finished ! Amber decided to transform her kingdom into a Republic, and the prime minister was, of course, her brother Selden !
The national anthem was « always is brotherhood » and the national slogan was « If you want, you can »

* * *

« -The story is finished, children, said Grandpa. It is time to go to bed
-What was the title of the story ? asked a tiny voice.
-It was Amber’s Legend, the first president of our Republic.
-Good night, Grandpa, » yawns the boy.
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Loup
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Loup


Nombre de messages : 823
Age : 32
Localisation : 35.4 boulevard Europe Terre 45239087 galaxie Voie Lactée
Date d'inscription : 11/06/2006

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MessageSujet: Re: Amber's legend   Amber's legend EmptySam 16 Déc - 14:46

J'aime bien ... Ton écriture est fluide mais le sujet est un peu "bébé" si tu vois ce que je veux dire ...

PS : je déplace le sujet dans un nouveau forum "Ecrire en anglais"
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https://ecriturecritique.1fr1.net
salamandre

salamandre


Nombre de messages : 121
Age : 32
Localisation : on the other side of the milkyway
Date d'inscription : 24/10/2006

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MessageSujet: Re: Amber's legend   Amber's legend EmptySam 16 Déc - 15:35

merci loup!
que le sujet soit un peu bébé c'est normal, (pas forcément voulu !) tout d'abord parce que c'est un conte, pas une saga épique, et surtout parce que je n'ai pas vraiment de vocabulaire....

sinon pour le nouveau forum, à ta place je créerais un sous forum dans texte terminés avec "langues étrangères".
Wa je suis flattée d'inover !
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Elric des Dragons

Elric des Dragons


Nombre de messages : 112
Age : 45
Date d'inscription : 07/12/2006

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MessageSujet: Re: Amber's legend   Amber's legend EmptyLun 18 Déc - 19:28

Au début, je me suis dit : c'est simple. La preuve, je comprend tout, même avec my pure fucking accent irlandais (cherchez pas à comprendre... Rolling Eyes ).

Puis j'ai vu ton âge.

Et là je me suis dit : "ah ouais, quand même !"
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salamandre

salamandre


Nombre de messages : 121
Age : 32
Localisation : on the other side of the milkyway
Date d'inscription : 24/10/2006

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MessageSujet: Re: Amber's legend   Amber's legend EmptyLun 18 Déc - 22:01

merci Elric !

effect effectivement le plus dur quand on écrit dans une autre langue c'est que comme on cherche un bon vocabulaire, on zape un peu le style... Et puis un conte, c'est pas une histoire à suspense !
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